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20 September 2003 @ 11:00 am
Experimental Fiction  
Below is my experimental fiction piece for Short Story class. It is a complete story, not a fragment, at a little under 500 words. You may note the influence of the film Groundhog Day. God, I love that movie. Any comments, grammer checks, spelling checks, or any other feedback would be greatly appreciated, especially before this coming Friday...

* * * * * *

John dragged himself out of bed, into the bathroom and slipped on the wet tiles, cracking his head on the edge of the bathtub.

John dragged himself out of bed, into the bathroom and, avoiding the wet patch on the tiles, stepped into the shower. He turned on the taps, but was standing too close to the nozzle and was sprayed by the water, still freezing cold.

John dragged himself out of bed, into the bathroom and, avoiding the wet patch on the tiles, stepped into the shower. He turned on the taps, making sure not to stand too close to the nozzle. As he was lathering the shampoo in his hair, the phone rang. Swearing, he turned off the shower and stepped out, slipping and falling on the wet tiles, cracking his head on the edge of the bathtub.

John dragged himself out of bed and into the bathroom. He grabbed the bathmat and placed it on the floor over the wet patch on the tiles. He stepped into the shower and turned on the taps, making sure not to stand too close to the nozzle. As he was lathering the shampoo into his hair, the phone rang. Swearing, he turned off the shower and stepped out onto the mat. He grabbed a towel and ran to answer the phone. It was a bloody telemarketer.

John dragged himself out of bed and into the bathroom. He grabbed the bathmat and placed it on the floor over the wet patch on the tiles. He stepped into the shower and turned on the taps, making sure not to stand too close to the nozzle. As he was lathering the shampoo in his hair, the phone rang. He ignored it. After a nice, long shower he lathered up his face for a shave. As he was about to apply the razor, a cricket ball came through his bathroom window, shattering the glass.

John dragged himself out of bed and into the bathroom. He grabbed the bathmat and placed it on the floor over the wet patch on the tiles. He walked over to the window and opened it, letting in a slight, fresh breeze. He stepped into the shower and turned on the taps, making sure not to stand too close to the nozzle. As he was lathering the shampoo in his hair, the phone rang. He ignored it. After a nice, long shower he lathered up his face for a shave. As he was about to apply the razor, a cricket ball came through the open bathroom window. John picked it up and tossed it back out where it came from. He chuckled to himself and began to shave. Somehow he knew it was going to be a perfect day.
 
 
Current Mood: creativecreative
 
 
 
Bayartsbayarts on September 19th, 2003 06:56 pm (UTC)
Inventive concept and well written. I enjoyed it alot. Thanks for posting it. Made my day! :-)
Jacobyak_boy on September 19th, 2003 07:01 pm (UTC)
Thankyou. Or as my Short Story teacher insists, thank you.
Bayartsbayarts on September 19th, 2003 07:06 pm (UTC)
No, really.....thank YOU! :-)
Robet Éivaayvah on September 19th, 2003 08:40 pm (UTC)
Alternate ending :)
"Then a cow mysteriously falls from the heavens. It plunges straight through the ceiling and John's skull soon after." ^_^

It's a nice fiction piece. Though I'm sure you could easily make it shorter or longer if you wanted to.

I don't think I'd really want to open the window when I'm having a shower, but then, I don't really know what kind of window we're talking about here.
Robet Éivaayvah on September 19th, 2003 08:46 pm (UTC)
Re: Alternate ending :)
Oh, right. I forgot to mention... You misspelt "grammar".

So, is he flashing himself to the neighbourhood or not? I'd be sooo disappointed if he isn't.

I repeat: "I liked your experimental fiction. It's good. Far better than anything I'd come up with."
Jacobyak_boy on September 20th, 2003 12:54 am (UTC)
Re: Alternate ending :)
I don't like it open either, but Emily sometimes showers with the window open.
parakleta on September 20th, 2003 08:13 am (UTC)
HHGTTG
This is very reminiscent of many points in the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy text adventure. If you don't have a copy and haven't played it, let me know and I'll dig out my copy for you.
parakleta on September 20th, 2003 08:15 am (UTC)
Re: HHGTTG
Oh, and I should add... cool story, I enjoyed it. Thanks.
Jacobyak_boy on September 21st, 2003 03:23 pm (UTC)
Re: HHGTTG
Yes, except in that game the story would be running to about 40,000 words and then something would go wrong because of something you forgot to do in the first paragraph.
Jamestarleon on September 20th, 2003 02:47 pm (UTC)
<lj-cut>
Jacob, I like the story but please! can you put things like that under tag to save our precious friends pages? ;)

-James
Jacob: friendsyak_boy on September 21st, 2003 03:35 pm (UTC)
Re: <lj-cut>
Hmm... That's an entire story, and yet it's shorter than the everyday posts of someone I could mention, who also fails to cut his posts.

On a completely unrelated note, do you have parakleta on your friends list?

But, besides, if I cut it you probably wouldn't read it.

Is it really that big a problem? It is only text and wouldn't contribute to the load time of your friends page. And it's not like it's knocking other entries off the screen, since the number displayed is a flat number, not based on size. So, what then is the problem? It's too hard to scroll past a few lines of text? Should all journal entries consist of either:

a) Feeling (good/bad/indifferent) today.

or

b) (Read my extremely long adventure within)

???

At what point does one cut? I have posted large pictures without cutting before (which I know I shouldn't have) but received no complaints then.

To cut or not to cut?
That's my prerogative.
To list as a friend or not to list as a friend?
That's yours.
~AmAnDa~makemeabeliever on September 22nd, 2003 07:32 am (UTC)
Re: <lj-cut>
I loved this comment! It made me laugh so much. LOL

By the way, I found your journal on the random questions community. :)